Writing this piece is actually a struggle for me. Why? Because I know that this will trigger emotions that I don’t like to feel. I haven’t talked about these feelings to anyone and this is the only time that I am pouring it out. But I realized that maybe, somewhere out there, there’s a mom like me, or someone, who feels the same and that if I’ll be able to help just by telling my story, then I’ll be happy to take it as something as my payback to everyone and everything that helped me to get through these year-and-a-half crisis.
I can still remember that first week after President Duterte had declared the city under quarantine – the panic, the anxiety and the long, sleepless nights I had which I couldn’t explain where they were coming from. Yes, I was so confused because I used to feel that I am strong mentally and emotionally. And feeling all these new feelings kind of put me off-balanced. I thought I would go crazy honestly.
But fortunately, strong family relationships and faith became my guiding light. Since the pandemic was fairly new, I think I was also able to pull out invested inner strength to keep me sane. I was even able to participate in programs that help others get by.
Then this year happened. My beloved mother-in-law whom I love deeply had died, then my father in law had been hospitalized, then lately I’ve heard another co-worker had died from cancer, my most dreaded disease. And there are so many more people dying left and right and hearing the news of another variant of COVID-19 wreaking havoc on the lives of many in other countries is diffusing the spark of hope I feel that soon all of these will be over. I can feel that the emotional strength I have or maybe the numbness I tried to develop within me throughout these past few months, they are all starting to seep out of me.
With the recent loss in the family, I felt how vulnerable I am with age, sickness and dying and I’ve never felt so sensitive like this before. But you know, during these moments of desperation, I once again found my guiding light. I know I am not someone who is good with words but in these times when I was weak, I felt that instinctive need to power up myself, like a car battery charging itself on its own. That is by appreciating myself and those I know I will lose in time, whether I like it or not, may there be a pandemic or none. This pandemic and all the crises in the family made me realize that that there should be no time to lose and no opportunities to waste. And being in quarantine doesn’t mean we need to wait.
If you are someone like me, feeling hopeless, anxious and afraid many times in a day, I am with you and I can feel you. But like me, you need to fight all these feelings because time won’t wait for you. Don’t dwell on them and if you think you can’t stay out of this negativity, seek help fast.
I am blessed with a husband and kids who I love to talk with, live with and sleep with 90% of the day, and the 10% of the day when my mind is in darkness, that’s the battle I fight with prayer and the spark of light I always keep in me – to acknowledge my willpower, remind myself that I am fighting well, and that I can continue doing so. Try them and try telling yourself how you value yourself and what you have done and if these don’t work for you, make some time and really make ways to find your own guiding light. In time, I know you will. “You, LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28
This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor”. The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis. The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The “Write to Ignite Blogging Project” Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, with AirAsia and Xiaomi as major sponsors, and with Teleperformance as sponsor.
